So I haven't livejournaled in a loooong time.

Recent happenings?

In the living room, while having some  quality "family time", my parents, as always, manage to revert conversation back to my current marital status.

So background: Yes, I am in a long term, quite often long distance monogamous relationship with a male bodied male identifying person.

So I am quite typical in that sense. 

My parents are from a highly Christian mashed with Asian set of morals and ethics, so they tend to emphasise the fact that I am no longer "clean" because I have obviously shared a bed with my partner, outside the boundaries of marriage.

HMM. So to recap on the conversation:

M: Ahhh weei (my Chinese name), when are you getting married?

Me: In 10 years.  When I am old.  I have no money. (my usual response to get them off my back).

This is a post I wrote ages ago, but still can't decide if I want to publish it on my travelblog, because it's too personal to show certain people? I don't know...
But for you guys, it's pretty ok.

As you all know, I'm a pretty honest about a lot of things to do with myself. As many of us are, I am my harshest critic. One of the biggest problems I am always dealing with is my shyness. Everyone has different degrees of shyness, and that's ok, but I think what's most important is to not allow it to cripple ourselves, to stop it from living our lives the way we want to.

Travelling was a challenge to test myself. And to overcome this fear in finality.

WHEN I WENT TO CHINA LAST YEAR, in the first week I spent a good deal of time trying to suppress nerves and fears, but after a while when I didn't find someone to distract me from myself, I fell right into my old trap and so did spend a few days crying from culture shock. I didn't like the feeling of being completely alone in a city filled with thousands of people. I felt like I was a kind of person who could never deal with being alone. I realise I have a huge dependency on other people, and some people tell me it's not a bad thing. It's true, it's not a bad thing, but I think if it's to do with some subconscious underlying insecurity that I have with being female, then perhaps it is...

LIVING ALL MY LIFE AS a child of Asian immigrants who have more or less retained a good deal of their traditional culture (Chinese have an amazing ability to preserver their culture across countries and generations), I find that I have always been tried to fit myself to my perceived ideal of what they think a good female child is. In combination, of Disney princesses, the damsels in distress, progressing to "girl power", and now position myself as feminist.

Despite the fact, in theory, in my mind, I believe that independence is what I want, and I still do truly yearn for this in one part of my heart, in the other part of my heart I have buried (but which always surfaces) that I am still wanting others to look after me. That I am wholesomely reliant on others to protect me from the world. It's taken me a long time to admit that, because I am so rampant in proselytising feminism, so much so that I'm sure I haven't had any productive conversations about equality between men and women.

But this is all in theory, still I am transitioning myself from one stage to the next. This is perhaps frightening for myself, and it's frightening for others because it imbalances the status quo. I am more or less afraid that it will mark a distance between myself and others
 

What I found myself doing often on my travels, was to adjust myself culturally as quick as possible. Or what I perceived to be adjusting to the culture, but I found myself perhaps absorbing too much of it into my skin.

On a regular basis, people would say to me; "You're travelling by yourself? You're a girl and too young! Especially because you're a girl. Aren't you afraid? You should be. It's not safe for girls."

I can compromise on many levels, such as the accepted standard in dress code, and the fact that men and women often operate in separate spheres, but I should not have allowed myself to internalise those beliefs, because I now have adopted fears that perhaps should not scare me.

Being Alone

Solo travelling is a time which really allows a person to reflect. Despite any hustle and bustle of meeting new people, and seeing new sights, in the time one is moving from place to place, one is often left to one's own devices. And the mind finds itself pondering on a great number of things. Particularly in the manner of introspection, and how one relates to others.

It's so amazing isn't it? I go to a new country and every time I still get the same bubble of insecurities. I guess the main thing I thought was that after being away from home for so long I would be confident in talking to new people, but what's amazing is that I'm still not! For a lot people it is a learned skill and like any skill it needs to be upkept and practiced regularly in order for it remain.

"Well," said Old Man, " I am to have the first say in everything." 

To this Old Woman agreed, provided she had the second say. 

Then Old Man began, "The women are to tan the hides. When they do this, they are to rub brains on them to make them soft; they are to scrape them well with scraping tools, etc. But all this they are to do very quickly, for it will not be very hard work." 

"No, I will not agree to this," said Old Woman. "They must tan the hide in the way you say; but it must be made very hard work, and take a long time, so that the good workers may be found out." 

"Well", said Old Man, "let the people have eyes and mouths in their faces; but they shall be straight up and down." 

"No," said Old Woman, "we will not have them that way. We will have the eyes and mouth in the faces, as you say; but they shall all be set crosswise." 

"Well," said Old Man, "the people shall have ten fingers on each hand." 

"Oh, no!" said Old Woman. "That will be too many. They will be in the way. There shall be four fingers and one thumb on each hand."

"Well," said Old Man, "we shall beget children. The genitals shall be at our navels." 

"No," said Old Woman, "that will make childbearing too easy; the people will not care for their children. The genitals shall be at the pubes." 

So they went on until they had provided for everything in the lives of the people that were to be. Then Old Woman asked what they should do about life and death. 

Should the people always live, or should they die? They had some difficulty in agreeing on this; but finally Old Man said, "I will tell you what I will do. I will throw a buffalo chip into the water, and, if it floats, the people die for four days and live again. But, if it sinks, they will die forever." 

So he threw it in, and it floated. 

"No," said Old Woman, "we will not decide in that way. I will throw in this rock. If it floats, the people will die for four days. If it sinks, the people will die forever." 

Then Old Woman threw the rock out into the water, and it sank to the bottom. 

"There," said she, "it is better for the people to die forever; for, if they did not die forever, they would never feel sorry for each other, and there would be no sympathy in the world." 

"Well," said Old Man, let it be that way." 

After a time Old Woman had a daughter, who died. She was very sorry now that it had been fixed so that people died forever. So she said to Old Man, "Let us have our say over again."